The Unknown Truth: Behind The Scenes of Once Upon A Time
by fireflower815
Summary: Once Upon A Time is anything but a fairy tale come true. It's dark, grim, and the characters take everything way too seriously. Let's face it, those poor people need a vacation so they can chillax and laugh at the craziness of life. Basically, this is a series of short scenes that are a parody of OUAT situations. Most of the characters appear. Rated T for occasional language.
1. The Key To True Love Is Spelling

The key to true love is good spelling. Who knew?

Emma's confession: The truth is, I dumped Neal because he can't spell worth a damn. Every time he tried to text me 'I love you', it came through as 'I wove you'. I don't want a boyfriend who thinks he's weaving me. I'm not a piece of cloth. And please, let's not talk about 'I move you'. But then, his spelling got worse, as if that were even possible. Once, Neal texted me to pick up some bread from Walmart on my way home. Only, he told me to 'ick up some head at Wallmark'. I swear I stared at my phone for like an hour before I realized what he meant. And you know what else? He actually had the nerve to _text_ me in order to tell me that he was sending me to jail. And Neal didn't even bother spelling it right. I think he meant 'BTW, I'm handing you over to the cops'. I received a text that said 'BMW, I'm handling your rover to the pops.' Oops. Yeah, we aren't getting back together.

So, kiddies, the morale of the sory is to alwayys double-check yor selling when yur texing someon.


	2. For The Love Of Scrabble

**Author's Note: Please read and review!**

The real reason Regina cast a curse that took everyone from the Enchanted Forest and plopped them down in Maine. It all started with Scrabble (yes, the board game).

Regina's confession: Life was getting boring in the Enchanted Forest. It was all like 'kill this guy' and 'rip out this heart' and 'burn those villages' 24/7. Sometimes I really just wanted to plant a tomato garden or learn how to play the fiddle. But Dad was always telling me that I had an image to uphold, and that if wanted to be the Evil Queen I couldn't play tennis with Rumpelstiltskin. Bad publicity, you know. For a while, I was just going with the flow. I killed some people. Scared some innocent children. Tricked Rumpelstiltskin a few times. But it was getting old. The worst part was when Rumpelstiltskin cast that charm so I couldn't hurt Snow and Charming anymore. I just felt so... useless. I laid around the castle all day long. I read all the books anyone had ever written (Not many people knew how to write back then. And please, don't get me started on the spelling. How many different ways can you spell the word 'farming', anyway?). Honestly, I was suffering through depression. That's mostly when I started wearing all black. Black dresses, black tights, black cloaks, black hats. Daddy took one look at me and said I was going through "a phase". Whatever that means. Yeah. Life sucked. Until one day, I found Rumpelstiltskin in the garden. He was bent over a flimsy cardboard square, and he was arranging wooden tiles on top of it, muttering under his breath. Naturally, I thought that he had finally gone insane. Or at least more insane than he had always been. But I played it cool. I was all like "whatchya doing?" and he was all like "Scrabble, duh". So Rumpelstiltskin taught me how to play Scrabble. We played for hours and hours, until my head ached and I could barely see straight. Everywhere I looked, I saw those wooden tiles with painted black letters on them. For a week, I stumbled around the castle like a zombie, muttering "Seven letters. N. J.V. O. E. E. R. Spells 'Never'. Thirty-seven points. Seven letters. A. G. T. L. M. O. I. Spells 'Moat'. Twenty-two points". Daddy told me I was brainwashed and that I would be back to normal soon. He was wrong. I played Scrabble with Rumpelstiltskin every weekend, and then I would do nothing for the rest of the week. Farmers were sending in reports, asking why I wasn't burning their crops. Snow White even e-mailed me, asking why I wasn't trying to kill her. I was so obsessed with Scrabble I felt as though my brain was melting. Then, Rumpelstiltskin told me of a glorious world where people in every home played Scrabble. He told me wondrous tales of Scrabble tournaments. I knew instantly that I had to get to the world that played Scrabble. So Rumpelstiltskin handed Maleficent's address and told me to go shopping for a Dark Curse. I have to say, not even Wal-Mart could beat those prices. Maleficent's curses were free, if you didn't mind facing an enemy with powerful magic and stealing from her. Of course, I didn't mind. Me and Maleficent were BFFs, after all. I knew she would forgive me if I stole her most prized possession. So then Rumpelstiltskin and I met up at the tennis courts. He was in the middle of a tennis match, but he took a break to explain to me how the curse worked. As I left, I saw Rumpelstiltskin serve the tennis ball. As it flew towards the other side, it lit on fire. How innovative! I promised myself I would try that ASAP. So don't judge me. Yes, I ripped out my father's heart. Yes, I took everyone from their happy endings. But for once, I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. It was for the love of Scrabble.

**Author's Note: As you can probably tell, this isn't my most thought-out work. I'm focusing more on my other story, which is a lot more serious. If you'd like to check it out, it's called Taking Back Neverland. It's basically the story of Wendy Darling if she was brave and awesome instead of kind of wimpy. Also, she is has the heart of the truest believer, not Henry.**


	3. Henry's Stellar Vocabulary

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading! As always, please review. **

When Emma first came to Storybrooke, she thought Henry was a little bit crazy. She thought that the curse was just a made-up story, and that he was seeing a therapist because he had mental issues. But she also talked about how "smart" and "special" Henry was. This is basically just a short conversation Emma and Henry might've had shortly after Emma came to Storybrooke.

Henry: I've been to five therapists.

Emma: Five?!

Henry: Yeah. I keep confusing them with my stellar vocabulary.

Emma: Sorry kid. I happen to know what "stellar" means.

Henry: I wasn't trying to confuse you.

Emma: Oh, really?

Henry: Yeah. Most of the time, they call me a bona fide capricious anomaly. If they are being nice, they say I'm a precocious child who is beleaguered by the expectations of society. Not in those words, of course.

Emma: What did you do, kid? Read the dictionary cover to cover?

Henry: Yeah. Didn't you do that when you were my age?

Emma: No...

Henry: Ah, well. Then I'll put it in simple terms so you can understand. Basically, reading the dictionary is funner than losing brain cells by playing X-Box.


	4. One Direction Comes To Neverland

**Author's Note: I do not mean to offend any hardcore 1D fans. This is just for funsies. **

The real reason Peter Pan killed Henry. It was all about One Direction.

Peter Pan's confession: When I first brought Henry to Neverland, I had no idea what I was in for. I kind of wish I had ordered Felix had killed him on the spot. Sure, I value the lives of all my Lost Boys, but Henry was _special_. And I mean special in more ways than one. After we brought him back to camp, Henry began humming some sort of song under his breath. Of course I asked him what he was singing. That was my first mistake in more than a hundred years. Henry took my question as an invitation to sing his song out loud.

"That's what makes you beautiful," Henry sang. "Baby you light up my world like nobody else-" Except he. Could not. Sing. All my Lost Boys, even Felix, screamed and covered their ears. I knew that if I didn't act quickly, my Lost Boys would run away and I might never be able to convince them to come back. So I pulled out my pipes and began to play. It was an epic battle. The battle of the century. Practically World War III. The louder I played, the louder Henry sang. Lost Boys were crying for their mothers, and me and Henry were both sweating, locked in epic combat.

"_That's what makes you beautiful!_ " Henry screamed over my pipes. In response I played even louder. Then, after 48 hours of the musical war, Henry and I both stopped, staring at each other and panting. His eyes were bloodshot, and mine were no better. The Lost Boys were collapsed on the ground, all of them knocked out cold. And that's when I knew I had to get rid of Henry. I led him to Skull Rock, trying to ignore his terrible singing. Because yes, he was singing again._ Again_. Once we got to Skull Rock, I pointed at the hourglass and told Henry that he only had until the sand in the hourglass ran out to sing One Direction songs. After the sand ran out, he wouldn't be able to sing anymore. It was obviously a lie, but Henry fell for it. He looked at me, panicked, and I explained that the only way he could still sing One Direction songs was if he gave me his heart. That did the trick. Henry ripped out his own heart and practically shoved it at me. The instant Henry gave it to me, he fell over, dead. No more One Direction songs. I was so relieved, I began to float straight up, hovering above the ground.

So don't hate me Emma, Charming, Snow, Regina, Hook, Rumple, and the rest. You would've killed Henry too if you could've heard him sing.


	5. Evil Electricity

**A/N: I had fun writing this one. :) Here you go, dear readers. A little taste of Snow's paranoid personality and her vendetta against all magic. Enjoy and review!**

Snow: What is a mobile phone?

Emma: You mean like a cell phone?

Snow: Yes. A cellular phone. What is it?

Emma: Umm... well it's a sort of machine. It runs on electricity.

Snow: What's electricity?

Emma: Power. A kind of power, anyway.

Snow: Powers? Like magic, then.

Emma: Sort of. I guess.

Snow: Emma, you must stay away from electricity. All kinds of magic are evil.

Emma: Uh, it's not really magic.

Snow: But you said-

Emma: I'm just trying to explain the best I can. It's a kind of power... like fire. You know, natural power. Not magic.

Snow: Oh! So how does electricity work?

Emma: Well... tiny particles in the air called electrons move around, and their movement causes electricity.

Snow: Tiny particles in the air. Like pixie dust. Ha! I just _knew_ it was magic.

Emma: Mary Margaret, not ever thing you don't understand has to be a big conspiracy theory involving magic and Regina and that crap.

Snow: You're right! Regina probably did this! We must find her and stop her before the electrons get us!

Emma: Hey, Mary Margaret. Regina didn't do this.

Snow: You're right again! I'm so proud of you for being so smart! This wasn't Regina. She's all goody-goody now that she has Henry. This reeks of Rumpelstiltskin!

Emma: He didn't do this either. No one did. Electrons have been there since the beginning of the universe and they are not magic and they have never attacked anyone.

Snow: What do you call lightning, then?

Emma: Umm... science? A naturally occurring incident?

Snow: Magic. An attack by the villainous electrons. Witchcraft.

Emma: No. For once, just listen to me. Electrons are not some evil magical plot.

Snow: Do you hear yourself, Emma? The electrons have invaded your brain and turned you to the dark side.

Emma: Turned me to the dark side? This isn't Star Wars. There isn't a dark side and a good side.

Snow: Of course there is. You'll soon find your way back to the good side, Emma. I believe in you. And then we charge into a valiant battle against the electrons!

Emma: You're hopeless.

Snow: No, Emma. I have what you need now more than ever. I have hope.

Emma: And I have what you need now more than ever.

Snow: What's that?

Emma: Common sense.


	6. Ariel's Seafood Date

A/N: This is Ariel and Eric's first date in Storybrooke, before the Wicked Witch and before Peter Pan tried to brainwash everyone with his curse. It is also _before_ Ariel tells Eric she is a mermaid. Read and review! Enjoy!

Eric: This is a great restaurant. I love seafood, don't you?

Ariel: It's okay...

Eric: I like just about every kind of seafood. Shrimp, sushi, clams, trout, tuna, calamari, anything.

Ariel: I'm really more of a vegetarian. Animal rights activist, animal shelter volunteer, all that.

*Awkward Silence*

Ariel: So what do you do for a living?

Eric: Oh, I'm a fisherman.

Ariel: That's... um... wonderful... how about for fun? What do you do on weekends?

Eric: I go fishing with the dwarves every Saturday. Then on Sunday, I usually either have a backyard barbecue or I hunt deer. Graham taught me how.

Ariel: Sorry, I don't feel very well. I think I might step outside for a minute.

Eric: I understand. They cook so much fish in here, the smell can be overpowering.

Ariel: Next time, can we just go to a pasta place or something?

Eric: Sure, whatever you want. I know this really great place that has the most delicious fish salad, drizzled in a special seafood sauce.


	7. Deadly Disney

A/N: This is kind of a "what if..." scene. Like, what if Rumpelstilskin's only weakness wasn't the Dark One dagger? What if it was something... different?

Rumpelstiltskin's Confession: I have only one weakness. I've tried to hide it, and I've been running from it my entire life. I even made up a clever lie that so people would think my weakness was a dagger. But I think that now the time has come for me to reveal my secret. My only weakness is Disney. Disney is everywhere, around every corner, even in Storybrooke. My entire life I've been running from Disney characters. It all started with my father, Peter Pan. I saw the Disney movie a week ago and I'm still having nightmares... mostly about my father wearing green tights. Then there was Captain Hook. He terrorized me and stole my wife! Not to mention the Queen of Hearts, Cora, who broke my heart and the Wicked Witch of the West who locked me in a cage. I've spent some time thinking about it and I've realized that Disney is out to get me. Even Belle sets me on edge... after watching _"Beauty and the Beast"_ I worry that she'll break out into song at any moment or send villagers with pitchforks after me. So please... don't even mention Disney around me. And if Disney tries to make a movie called _"Rumpelstiltskin"_, storm their studio, burn down Disney World, form an anti-Disney riot in your town... but please don't let them make a movie about me. I really don't think my nose will look good when it is animated.


	8. Do You Want To Build A Snowman?

A/N: This is another strange burst of Henry singing in Neverland. Only this time it isn't One Direction. It's something a little more... frozen. Read and review, cupcakes. When you review, I swear my entire day gets ten times better. :)

Henry: Do you want to build a snowman?

Felix: There is no snow here in Neverland.

Henry: Do you want to come and play?

Felix: No.

Henry: I never see you anymore.

Felix: That's the idea.

Henry: Come out the door. It's like you've gone away!

Felix: If only Pan would let me leave... then I could escape your singing.

Henry: We used to be best buddies.

Felix: Not that I can recall.

Henry: And now we're not.

Felix: Let's leave it that way, shall we?

Henry: I wish you would tell me why...

Felix: Because you're fucking annoying.

Henry: Do you want to build a snowman?

Felix: LEAVE ME ALONE OR I SWEAR I WILL GET PAN TO RIP YOUR SHADOW OFF!

Henry: Okay, bye.


	9. The McDonald's War

A/N: I'm back! So this time I'm doing a little thing where Emma gets a job at the good old Mc. Donald's drive-thru. It's set in the first season, before Emma breaks the curse, when nobody remembers their fairy tale self. Expect the worst... and you won't be surprised when it happens... ;)

Emma: Welcome to Mc. Donald's. May I take your order?

Regina: Yes, you may take my order, Savior. I'd like a premium crispy chicken bacon clubhouse burger, a premium bacon ranch salad with grilled chicken, a premium McWrap sweet chili chicken, a buffalo ranch McChicken-

Emma: Whoa! Slow down! So you've got a crispy... chicken... bacon... ranch... grilled... chili... buffalo...

Regina: And no pickles, sour cream, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, mustard, or mayo.

Emma: Okay. So you want a crispy chicken bacon salad ranch salad with grilled chili and buffalo sauce?

Regina: Excuse me, Miss Swan! I should not have to repeat myself. I am the mayor of this town, and you are a nobody.

Emma: Well, excuse _me_, but you don't have the right to talk to me that way.

Regina: You are in this town for one reason. And that is to get me my premium crispy chicken bacon clubhouse burger. With no pickles and no lettuce.

Emma: I am in this town for Henry, not to make you a cheeseburger. You know what? I quit. I am so tired of you treating me and everyone else in this town like dirt. I'm leaving.

*Emma storms out of the restaurant and into the parking lot, where Henry is waiting for her shift to be over*

Henry: Mom, are you okay?

Emma: I am so done with this town. I quit. We're leaving. Right now.

Henry: No! You can't leave! You're a hero, and heroes don't run away.

Emma: Kid, I hate to break it to you, but I'm no hero. I'm just another drive-thru worker. I make mistakes like everyone else. I put pickles on a chicken salad once.

Henry: Even heroes make mistake. What matters is that you face your fears!

Emma: Kid, I'm not afraid of making a chicken salad. But it's time for me to move on. For both of us to move on.

Henry: Yes, you are scared of that chicken salad. The only way to beat the bad guys is to go back inside McDonald's and make the best chicken salad you can.

Emma: Maybe you're right...

*Emma turns around and walks back inside McDonald's and to the drive-thru window*

Emma: Here, Regina. Here's your damn crispy bacon chicken thing. Enjoy.

Regina: Thank you, Miss Swan. I know that must have been hard for you.

*Emma walks back out of McDonald's as her shift ends*

Henry: Mom, why are you smiling so evilly?

Emma: I left the pickles on Regina's burger.


	10. Rum, Anyone?

A/N: This is a short one, but it was fun to write. Hook buys Emma a birthday present... Read and review, cupcakes!

Hook: I got you something for your birthday, Swan.

Emma: Really? Is it rum?

Hook: Uh... would it make you feel better if I said no?

Emma: For the last time, I am _not_ a rum kind of person.

Hook: In my opinion, every person is a rum person. Even if they don't know it.

Emma: Rum doesn't solve everything, Hook.

Hook: Perhaps not. But it does make a fine gift for a lady.

Emma: So did you really get me rum for my birthday?

Hook: Not exactly... I bought us matching rum flasks!

Emma: Cute. *Walks away*

Hook: Do you not like it? Swan? Swan!

Emma: *Looks over her shoulder* Neal gave me a photo album of all the time we spent together with Henry.

Hook: Baelfire... I might have known. He has skill, I'll give him that.

Emma: He has more skill than you do. Rum flasks, for God's sake!

Hook: Why does everyone else seem to think there is something wrong with rum?


	11. Queen of the Tennis Court

**A/N: Wow... I'm totally surprised that people like this. It's all just random ideas that pop into my head. Thank you so much for the favorites/follows/reviews. Read and review, cupcakes! Enjoy! **

This is how Rumpelstiltskin and Cora really met. It had nothing to do with spinning straw into gold... it was actually more about tennis.

Rumpelstiltskin's Confession: Tennis here is nothing compared to tennis in the Enchanted Forest. Back then, lighting a tennis ball on fire wasn't considered cheating. Americans. They claim to be the land of the free, yet they have laws for everything. Back in the Enchanted Forest, I was the undefeated tennis champion. Many great heroes and princes had attempted to best me, but I won every tennis match. Then I usually turned the loser into a tennis ball and bounced him on his head for a while. Those were the days. One day I was strolling through the King's castle after a very successful tennis tournament when I saw the King threatening a young girl named Cora. He said he would kill her unless she learned how to win a tennis tournament singlehandedly. Oh, and she had to learn how overnight. If she won the tennis tournament she would get to marry Prince Henry. I snickered at Prince Henry. He had a blissfully ignorant smile on his face as he stared off into the distance. What an idiot. But that night, I was just wandering around the castle. I had terrorized all the nearby villages, so I had nothing to do. So I figured what the hell, right? I decided to help Cora learn how to play tennis. At first, it was a total disaster. Tennis balls were flying everywhere inside Cora's tower, and I barely ducked out of the way in time as one flew past my head. So I gave her a bit of advice.

"Focus your anger. Find your hate," I instructed. "That's where tennis comes from, after all. Anger and hate."

"Bloodlust," Cora said.

"I like the phrase," I agreed. "When you hit the tennis ball, imagine it is the head of someone you hate with all your heart."

"Oh! Like Justin Bieber?" Cora asked. "Or do you mean more like someone you love to hate? Like Miley Cyrus?"

"Dearie, we're still in the 18th century," I reminded her. Jeesh. Some people just can't keep track of what century they're in.

"Oh, right," Cora said. "But I'm totally texting you later, even if we are a few centuries behind schedule." Soon Cora had tennis mastered, especially her serves. Every time the tennis ball would move so fast it was just a blur. As I watched, one of the tennis balls flew through the open tower window. I heard a smashing sound as it crashed into something far below, and then I heard a car alarm go off.

"Wait... car alarms haven't been invented yet," Cora said.

"Royalty gets so touchy about their castle security. I had to bring them state-of-the-art technology so they would give me their first born child," I rolled my eyes. Cora made serve after amazing serve, when finally I had to ask her.

"That's a lot of hate," I commented. "Whose head are you thinking about hitting when you serve the tennis ball?"Cora grinned at me.

"Michael Jackson," she said. The next day, Cora won the tennis tournament easily. I know she's evil and she deserved the death Snow gave her, but sometimes I think back to the day we played tennis together and accidentally set off the King's car alarm. I imagine Cora hitting Michael Jackson's head across the court, laughing when she earns a point. Don't tell anyone, but sometimes I start crying. I miss my Tennis Queen.


	12. Quote That Movie!

**A/N: While in Neverland, the OUAT folks can't stop quoting movies and TV shows. Read and reviews, cupcakes! If you can't figure out which shows they are quoting, the answers are in the author's note at the end. **

Scene 1:

Henry: Why am I so important?

Pan: Did you ever make anything happen? Anything you couldn't explain? You're a wizard, Henry.

Henry: I'm a what?

Scene 2:

Greg: Look around, kid. Do you see any clock towers? You're a long way from Storybrooke.

Henry: I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

Scene 3:

Emma: Who the hell are you supposed to be?

Pan: Oh, did I forget to introduce myself? The name's Bond. James Bond.

Scene 4:

Pan: Henry, we welcome you. The Lost Boys salute your courage and your sacrifice. And we wish you happy target practice. And may the odds be ever in your favor!

Scene 5:

Wendy: You have to leave before you too become ill. Henry.

Henry: No! I'm not gonna leave you. I'm not gonna do that.

Wendy: Why not?

Scene 6:

Pan: By the time we're done, you won't just feel like an orphan. You'll be one.

Emma: If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all.

Scene 7:

Henry: How old are you, really?

Pan: Seventeen.

Henry: How long have you been seventeen?

Pan: A while.

Scene 8:

Henry: So this is Skull Rock...

Pan: Yeah. Anything you'd like to say? Any passing remarks? I've heard them all.

Henry: It's bigger on the inside.

Scene 9:

Pan: You have to give me your heart.

Henry: But what will happen to me?

Pan: There is a price. You will have to stay here, with me, forever. Neverland will become your new home!

Henry: But there's no place like home!

**A/N: So that's it. Did you like it? Hate it? Please leave a review. **

**Scene 1: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone **

**Scene 2: The Wizard of Oz **

**Scene 3: Dr. No **

**Scene 4: The Hunger Games **

**Scene 5: The Hunger Games **

**Scene 6: Bambi **

**Scene 7: Twilight **

**Scene 8: Doctor Who **

**Scene 9: The Wizard of Oz**


	13. Pan Gets A Therapist

**A/N: So rather than Pan getting killed after he tries to cast his new curse, the good guys stopped his curse in time without Regina having to give up Henry. Pan decided to stop being evil and Regina adopted him, and he went to living in Storybrooke with Emma and the gang. But Pan has... issues. He needs to talk with a therapist. Read and review, cupcakes! **

Dr. Hopper: So, what seems to be troubling you, Peter?

Pan: It's Pan.

Dr. Hopper: Can I call you Peter?

Pan: No.

Dr. Hopper: Why not?

Pan: Because only my friends call me Peter.

Dr. Hopper: Who are your friends?

Pan: I don't have any. I had a friend once, but I killed him.

Dr. Hopper: I see. How does that make you feel?

Pan: That's the problem. It doesn't. I know I should feel guilty, but I keep thinking, like, whatever. He was a total dumbass anyway.

Dr. Hopper: What was his name?

Pan: Felix.

Dr. Hopper: Oh, that's a nice name. Like Felix the Cat, from that TV show.

Pan: I swear that if you start singing the theme song to Felix the Cat I will murder you. Every time I bring up Felix at home, Regina hums that idiotic song for the entire day.

Dr. Hopper: Maybe this isn't the best time to talk about Felix...

Pan: *Ignoring him* Did I mention that I started singing that song at his funeral? Felix the cat, the wonderful, wonderful cat. Whenever he gets in a fix, he reaches into his bag of tricks! Felix the cat, the wonderful, wonderful cat...

Dr. Hopper: *Changing the subject* So... Regina asked you to come here because you've been having trouble getting your homework done on time.

Pan: That's another thing. When I sit down to do my math homework, I really want to multiply nine by seven. But then I start thinking that this is a waste of time and I would be better off trying to conquer the world.

Dr. Hopper: Ah. Why do you think that?

Pan: Modern society is a scar on the face of the earth...

Dr. Hopper: *Changing the subject again* That's enough, Peter.

Pan: Pan.

Dr. Hopper: Fine. That's enough, Pan. I hear you've been making an interesting project at school. In the robotics and engineering club, right? Would you like to tell me about that?

Pan: Frankly, no. I would not like to tell you about that. It's a top secret mission that must be kept under strict confidence.

Dr. Hopper: I won't tell anyone.

Pan: *Sighs* Fine. Have you always been this nosy? In the engineering club, I'm building a bomb.

Dr. Hopper: A bomb?! Good Heavens, Pan. Why would you build a bomb?

Pan: Because I want to make a lemonade stand.

Dr. Hopper: Really? What does a lemonade stand have to do with a bomb?

Pan: That was something called sarcasm, Smart One. Why do you _think_ I need a bomb? I want to blow something up!

Dr. Hopper: This obsession with explosives needs to stop, Pan. Regina also mentioned to me that you lit the kitchen on fire.

Pan: I was trying to cook.

Dr. Hopper: So it was an accident.

Pan: Not exactly. I was trying to cook, but I got really bored. So I threw some olive oil on the curtains and found Regina's cigarette lighter.

Dr. Hopper: What?

Pan: I know, right? Regina smokes. Who knew?

Dr. Hopper: Is this really true?

Pan: Yep. Can you believe she hides the cigarettes and the lighter in her sock drawer? If you hide something in your sock drawer, you're just asking for someone to find it.

Dr. Hopper: That's not what I meant. Is it true that you lit that fire on purpose?

Pan: Yeah. It was fun. I wish Felix could've been there to see it.

Dr. Hopper: Pan, these kind of outbursts aren't healthy. For you or Regina. You need to be a role model for Henry.

Pan: So now you're telling me how to live my life?

Dr. Hopper: No, that's not it at all. I just-

Pan: I AM THE KING OF NEVERLAND! HEAR MY NAME AND TREMBLE!

Dr. Hopper: We need to calm down, Peter.

Pan: It's Pan!

Dr. Hopper: Okay, okay. Pan. I know it's hard for you to adjust after so many years of living in Neverland-

Pan: So you're saying I'm a lost cause?

Dr. Hopper: No! Pan, you're not a lost cause. No one ever is completely lost. Look at your son. Rumpelstiltskin became the Dark One, but he redeemed himself.

Pan: Don't even mention my son's name. He is nothing but a coward.

Dr. Hopper: He found his way back to the side of good.

Pan: Ah, yes. A classic story. Beauty and the beast. The magic of true love. Yeah, I'm not buying it. Besides, it's not like there's anyone I love.

Dr. Hopper: What about that one girl? Wendy, is it?

Pan: Wendy? Give me a break. She came to Neverland in a freaking nightgown. I can't love someone with such a pathetic sense of fashion.

Dr. Hopper: Surely there is someone you love...

Pan: I killed him, remember?

Dr. Hopper: All right. Let's just start with something easier, then. What's your favorite color?

Pan: Black.

Dr. Hopper: Black. That's... a lovely color. Why do you like it so much?

Pan: It reminds me of my soul.

**A/N: By the way, if you don't know the theme song to Felix the Cat, look it up. It will haunt you for the rest of your life. Mostly because every time you hear it, you will think of Felix from OUAT. And shudder.**


	14. The Death of Dairy Queen

**A/N: Hi, guys. I'm back! And with me I bring a jealous Regina... after the curse is broken. Magic is back. Regina is offended when a new Queen comes to town.**

Regina: Just who does that pretentious nobody think she is?

Henry: Um, sorry. Who?

Regina: Why, the new queen, of course!

Henry: There's another queen in Storybrooke?

Regina: Yes. The townspeople practically worship her. It's nauseating.

Henry: I really don't know who this new queen is.

Regina: They call her "The Dairy Queen". Even the title is ridiculous. What is she supposed to be, the queen of cows?

Henry: Uh... you mean Dairy Queen?

Regina: So you do know of her! What are her powers?

Henry: Well, uh, it's not really what you think...

Regina: Has she brainwashed you? I need to teach this Dairy Queen a lesson.

Henry: Dairy Queen isn't really a threat. Dairy Queen sells ice-cream.

Regina: Ha! It is so like those idiotic peasants to fall prey to her tricks. The ice-cream is obviously poisoned. Just like my apples. She is more clever then I originally suspected...

Henry: The ice-cream is actually fine. It's really good. I like their Butterfinger blizzards.

Regina: You ate the poisoned food? It's time to show Dairy Queen exactly what happens when you mess with my son.

Henry: Wait, Mom.

Regina: No, Henry. I need to do this. I need to attack Dairy Queen.

Henry: Dairy Queen isn't a person.

Regina: Excuse me?

Henry: Dairy Queen isn't really a queen. It's a fast-food place.

Regina: That is preposterous!

Henry: It's the truth, Mom, I promise.

Regina: I'm sorry, Henry. I'm afraid you've been brainwashed. This is something I need to do.

Henry: Please, Mom, listen to me!

Regina: I attack at dawn. That filthy ice-cream-poisoning queen is going down.

Henry: Mom, Dairy Queen is a restaurant!

Regina: Dairy Queen will pay for corrupting your innocent mind and defiling it with these dangerous ideas.


	15. Pangirls

*Felix walks into Pan's kitchen, shuffling through a stack of letters*

Pan: No! Don't tell me all those stalkers found me already! I got here a month ago!

Felix: No, but someone has. I've got some fan mail.

Pan: *Groans* Oh, great. From who?

Felix: See for yourself.

Pan: *Reading out loud*_ 'To Peter Pan, from your Lost Girl. I love you so much that I see each day through a pink cloud of love.'_ Oh, give me a break.

Felix: *Flutters his eyelashes mockingly, talking in an obnoxiously high-pitched voice* Oh, Peter!

Pan: Shut it, Felix.

Felix: Do you really want to look through the rest of the letters?

Pan: Hmm... it's good for a laugh. Let's see here... _'To Pan, from the only Lost Girl on Earth. You are the pixie dust to my Neverland.'_

Felix: Clearly they understand nothing about you.

Pan: Hey, I don't know. That was a pretty good metaphor. For a second-grader.

Felix: How about this one: _'To Panny boy, from your true love. I would let you rip out my heart to save you.'_

Pan: I might just take her up on her offer. I am so tired of every girl in the universe gravitating to me. I don't even date!

Felix: Well, the majority of the female population disagrees with you. I hear they call themselves Pan-girls. You know, instead of fan girls.

Pan: I knew there was a reason I only ever had Lost Boys.

Felix: I know how to shut them up.

Pan: How?

Felix: Just tell them you're gay.

Pan: That's actually a good idea.

**Two hours later, on Breaking News **

Reporter: Peter Pan has just announced that he is, in fact, gay. Let's go live to Pan.

Pan: Yeah, I'm gay. You got me.

Reporter: The question remaining is why would a gay Pan enlist a huge number of boys to be part of his popular cult known as the Lost Boys.

Pan: It's not what you think.

Reporter: The question for the hour is: Is Pan dating Felix?

Pan: Why does everyone always have to twist my words? You know what, never mind.

**Half an hour later **

Pan: This isn't good.

Felix: I did not anticipate this happening.

Pan: Join the club. Don't worry, Felix, I have a plan that will erase what I've said about being gay.

**Three hours later, on Breaking News **

Reporter: And now the latest update on the Peter Pan situation.

Pan: Yeah, so, I take it back. I'm not gay. False alarm.

Reporter: Pan-girls across the nation can breathe a sigh of relief now that their idol, Pan himself, has put aside being gay as a "false alarm".

**The next day **

Pan: Did someone knock on the door?

Felix: They've found us! The news must've gotten coverage of the house. Quick, Pan, run!

Pan: What about you?

Felix: Don't worry about me. I'll hold them off for as long as I can!

Pan: For the record, you were a good friend. I will always remember you.

Felix: Don't talk. Just go- ahhhh!

Pan: Call me if you make it out alive. Goodbye!


	16. It Isn't Easy Being Green

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait, I've been busy writing some of my others fanfics. This is just what if Zelena's flying monkeys could talk... and we all know it isn't easy being green... ;)**

Zelena: So what information did you gather, my spy?

Monkey: Regina's been having some anger-management issues.

Zelena: *Evil Laugh* Yes, of course she has. My _dear_ sister knows she can't win.

Monkey: Also... well...

Zelena: What is it?

Monkey: I'm not I should say...

Zelena: Spit it out, you useless animal!

Monkey: They've given you a nickname.

Zelena: A NICKNAME? No one gives me nicknames!

Monkey: Yes, well. Regina has been calling you "Greenie". Emma called you "Green Bean". And Hook has been calling you "Green Bean the Killing Machine".

Zelena: How dare they! Discriminating against me for the color of my skin... it's... it's... it's...

Monkey: Monstrous?

Zelena: No. It's racist! They all think they are so much better than me just because I have a different skin color!

Monkey: I was under the impression they think they're better than you because you wiped their memories, put them back in Storybrooke, and now are threatening to kill every single one of them.

Zelena: Hmm... no. I think it's probably the skin thing, not me ruining their lives.

Monkey: I see... what do you want me to do?

Zelena: Break into the store. Steal all the green spray paint.

Monkey: Uh, why?

Zelena: We need to show them how hard it is to be green!

_**The next morning **_

Snow: Um, Emma. You're... green.

Emma: So are you! What the hell happened?

Regina: The Wicked Witch strikes again.


	17. The Book Thief

_It is late at night. Emma is walking back home from Granny's with Snow and Charming._

Emma: Did you see that, guys?

Snow: See what?

Charming: I saw it too.

Emma: Someone's breaking into Regina's house!

*All three run over to Regina's house. Emma pulling out her gun*

Charming: There he is!

*Emma tackles the cloaked person*

Emma: Belle?

Belle: I'm sorry, this is all a misunderstanding...

Snow: What on earth were you doing?

Belle: Well, I... it's... uh

Emma: Oh, I get it. You and Regina. That's cool.

Belle: What? No! It's just...her library is amazing.

*She reveals that she is carrying three books*

Charming: You broke into Regina's house to steal her books?

Belle: I read a book called _The Book Thief_ and I haven't been able to get it out of my head.

Emma: You stole Regina's books because you read a book about some kid who runs around stealing books?

Belle: Well... yes.

Emma: This place is insane! Little Red Riding Hood is a werewolf, Peter Pan is a demonic mastermind with plans to take over the world, and now the innocent bookworm Belle is a scheming criminal!

Snow: Is now a good time to mention that Cinderella traded her child to take the throne?

Charming: Honey, I don't think now is a good time.

Emma: Thinking of all those little kids dreaming about fairytales coming true gives me shivers...

Belle: Sorry... I'll put the books back...

*The door to Regina's house opens*

Regina: What the hell is going on here?

*No one answers*

Regina: Are those my books?


	18. Family Movie Night

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews/favorites/follows. You know you guys are the best! This time Emma and Henry have invited the entire extended family over for family night. Also, in this scene Neal is not dead and neither is Pan. Or Cora. You get the point. If you see a dead person make an appearance, I have decreed that they are not in fact dead. **

Emma: So, what movie do you guys want to watch?

Henry: The Avengers!

Pan: Let me see the options... hmm...

Hook: No one said you could choose, mate. I'm pretty sure Swan doesn't want a bloody demon choosing which movie to watch.

Pan: Says the one-handed pirate who is overly fond of both rum and revenge. Somehow I don't think that combination makes for good decision-making skills.

Henry: Guys, it's only a movie.

Hook: I can't let Pan order you around, mate.

Pan: Like you could stop me. Hey, look! They made a movie about me!

Snow: Well, it's really more of a children's show...

Pan: *Reading the back of the movie_* "When Wendy Darling and her two brothers set off on a magical adventure with their mischievous and impish childhood hero, Peter Pan"_... wait, I'm impish?

Regina: Along with your various evil traits, yes.

Pan: And apparently I'm Wendy's hero. That's a bit odd... who is this Tiger Lily girl? I don't recall any Indians in Neverland.

Emma: Chill out, it's only a Disney movie.

Hook: What exactly is this "Disney", Swan?

Emma: You don't know Disney? Like Cinderella and Pinocchio?

Hook: Swan, you have just named several of the residents in this town. What does that have to do with this Disney thing?

Regina: At this rate we'll never choose a movie!

Rumpelstiltskin: This is a foolish waste of time. Whose idea was this, anyway?

Neal: Hey, man. This was Henry's idea.

Henry: I want us all to get along for once.

Emma: I thought a movie was an easy place to start.

Pan: We must watch the movie about me!

Snow: I really don't want anyone to be offended...maybe we should steer clear of Disney.

Hook: Again with this Disney! Who is he?

Charming: It's a long story.

Snow: A really long story.

Henry: Let's just watch The Avengers!

Neal: The Avengers sounds good.

Cora: Regina, let's leave this place.

Regina: Mother! We must stay here for Henry's sake.

Pan: We either watch Peter Pan, or we don't watch a movie at all.

Emma: Fine. Let's watch goddamn Peter Pan.

**Fifteen minutes later **

Pan: This is ridiculous! I do not wear tights.

Hook: Wait... is Wendy going to kiss Pan?

Pan: Unacceptable! Avert your eyes if you wish to continue living!

Neal: Oh, that's sick.

Emma: Guys, relax. They don't actually kiss.

Pan: Oh. Tinkerbell stopped us from kissing... interesting. What a plot twist!

Rumpelstiltskin: This is idiotic.

Belle: Rumple, be nice.

Hook: So Tink is in love with Pan?

Pan: Ha! I knew it! Is that jealousy, Hook?

Emma: Stop talking or the movie goes off!

Cora: Yes, please turn it off.

Pan: Over my dead body!

Cora: If you prefer.

*Pan and Cora begin to fight for the remote*

Hook: Mates! I'm onscreen!

Pan: Why are you wearing that ridiculous hat? And what is wrong with your hair?

Emma: Welcome to the wonderful world of Disney.

Hook: We must find this Disney and burn it to the ground!

Pan: Well, would you look at that! Rumple is a reptile!

Hook: When I said he was a crocodile, I didn't mean it like that.

Rumpelstiltskin: I'm going with Hook to burn down Disney. Anyone else care to join me?

Pan: I'll come. Let's find Tink and Wendy. I'm sure they'll help!

*The three of them storm out the door*

Snow: But this was supposed to be family movie night...

Emma: I knew watching Disney was a bad idea.

Henry: We should have gone with The Avengers.

Emma: Or watched Frozen. Unless you guys know of an Elsa in Storybrooke?

Snow: Elsa? Oh, sure. She runs a coffee shop near Granny's diner. Why, do you know her?


	19. A Letter of Apology

**A/N: Hello, cupcakes. *Sigh*. I just love calling you guys cupcakes. *Insane giggle*. Okay, this time Pan is writing an apology letter to Regina. He has caused a very... er, unfortunate event to befall poor Baelfire. Who isn't dead and never will be in my eyes. And don't even try to tell me Peter Pan is dead. I know he is alive. Read and review! **

Dear Principal Regina Mills,

I'm sorry for what I did. I can't help being magical. But I should have not used magic in the middle of math class. Honestly, though, Mr. Baelfire rambles on like my grandfather does. And my grandfather is quite a talkative chap.

Mr. Baelfire was teaching us something about the angles in triangles, which supposedly equal 180 degrees. Who made up that rule anyway? Why is 180 so important? Personally, I favor the number 815. It's my favorite time of day. Why can't the angles in a triangle equal 815? The Pythagorean Theorem makes about as much sense as the equation "apple pie plus dictionary equals July". Which is to say, it doesn't make any sense at all.

The way Mr. Baelfire teaches us math results in an intriguing phenomenon known as "in one ear and out the other". So, maybe, when I used magic to transform Mr. Baelfire into a kangaroo, I wasn't actually negatively impacting the other students' learning. Since Mr. Baelfire is now slightly furry, perhaps we can get a new teacher who will actually teach us some things. May I suggest my highly esteemed colleague, Felix? I've a feeling he would do quite well as a commander- uh, I mean as a teacher. Then again, this apology letter is starting to sound less like an apology and more like a justification.

I'm really, really, really sorry for turning Mr. Baelfire into a kangaroo. I promise to work on transforming him back into his human form. It may be a while, but being a kangaroo can't be all that terrible. Personally, I've always had a thing for Australia. Does Mr. Baelfire like Australia? I sure hope so.

Anyway, I feel awful that this happened. I will never, ever, ever practice magic in school ever again. Can you please find it in yourself to forgive me? It was an accident. Besides, I did say please. Please is the magic word. I will learn the Pythagorean Theorem and the angles in a triangle. I'm very sorry.

Sincerely (I least I attempted to be sincere),

Peter Pan

P.S.: If you value the safety of your son Henry, I suggest you forgive me.

P.P.S.: I actually have nothing to say here. I simply wanted a clever way to write my initials at the bottom of the page. (Hint: my initials are P.P.).


	20. No One Puts Fluffy In A Cage

**A/N: This is another take on why Zelena locked Rumple up in a cage. Zelena apparently fancies herself a good sheriff. When Snow tells Belle that Rumple is locked up... the conversation gets interesting. **

Snow: Belle! Come quickly!

Belle: What is it? What's the matter?

Snow: It's Rumple...

Belle: Did something happen to him?

Snow: Zelena locked him up!

Belle: Zelena? As in your midwife?

Snow: No! Well, yes, but it turns out she's the Wicked Witch.

Belle: Why would you hire the Wicked Witch as your midwife?

Snow: I didn't know!

Belle: And there were no hints that she was... well, you know, wicked?

Snow: Well, she had this creepy smirk, but I figured it was just her usual facial expression. Like some people always smile, you know? I just figured she was a naturally smirking person.

Belle: So she was smirking creepily at you daily, and yet you didn't notice she was evil?

Snow: No...

Belle: Well, come on then. We need to find Rumple! Why did Zelena lock him up anyway?

Snow: Right. Zelena caught him shoplifting and decided to take action.

Belle: Rumple was shoplifting?

Snow: Apparently.

Belle: I've told him time and time again not to do that, but does he listen? Of course not. He's always been obsessed with stealing stuff. Do you know what his thief code name is?

Snow: What is it?

Belle: His thief code name is "The Dark One". Sometimes I think he cares more about shoplifting graham crackers than he does about me.

Snow: Wait. He calls himself the Dark One and he shoplifts graham crackers?

Belle: Yes, of course. He may call himself the Dark one, but he's really a big fluffy teddy bear.

Snow: Really? Next time I see him, I am definitely calling him Fluffy.

Belle: Well, if you want to see Fluffy again, I suggest we find this Zelena and break Fluffy out of jail. Where is the jail?

Snow: Actually, it's more of a... cage.

Belle: A... cage?

Snow: Yeah. Are you okay?

Belle: No, I am most certainly not okay. _No one puts my Fluffy in a cage!_


	21. Top Hats Are Better Than People

**A/N: Another Frozen song... perhaps I'm obsessed... this time it is "Reindeers Are Better Than People". Except... I gave it a Once Upon A Time twist, involving the Mad Hatter and his crazy obsession with, well, hats.**

Thank you, ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, mortals and immortals, for coming to this week's edition of _Oncers Got Talent_. Tonight we'll be hearing from a very special guest. Please welcome... Jefferson, the Mad Hatter!

Me: So, Jefferson, how does it feel to be on _Oncers Got Talent_ for the first time?

Jefferson: Frankly, I'd rather be at home.

Me: Really? Then what compelled you to come here tonight?

Jefferson: My daughter, Grace. Ever since the curse broke, she's been glued to Disney Channel. And when _Frozen_ came out... there was no getting her away from the TV. She has become a Disney zombie. Actually, it scares me.

Me: So you two are singing a Disney song tonight?

Jefferson: Yes. We will be singing the infamous "Reindeers Are Better Than People" from _Frozen_.

Me: I see. I only have one more question for you, Jeffy.

Jefferson: Is there any way I could persuade you not to ask it and just stop talking to me? I'm too busy being depressed and lonely to talk to people.

Me: Sorry, I have to ask. for the cameras, you know. The show must go on!

Jefferson: Then fine.

Me: Right... in your professional opinion, are reindeer truly better than people?

Jefferson: I believe they are. But there is something even better than reindeer...

Top Hats Are Better Than Better

Performed Live by Jefferson (aka the Mad Hatter) and his daughter Grace

Jefferson: Top hats are better than people... Grace, don't you think that's true?

Grace: Yeah, people will hex you and curse you and jinx you. Every one of them is bad except you.

Jefferson: Oh, thanks, honey. But people smell better than top hats. Grace, don't you think I'm right?

Grace: That's once again true, for all except you.

Jefferson: You got me, I confess I smell worse.

Grace and Jefferson together: And don't let the dark curse... curse.


	22. Rumpelstiltskin's Marriage Counseling

Welcome to Rumpelstilskin's Marriage Counseling

Come one, come all to Rumpelstilskin's marriage counseling services!

He can accurately predict which married couples will get a divorce!

It's fun for the whole family, because Rumpelstiltskin can even predict who unmarried youngsters will marry when they come of age!

So accurate it's scary!

Scene 1

Rumple: Hello. Welcome to Rumpelstilskin's Marriage Counseling. How may I help you?

Emma: Well, it's about Neal. He left me in jail... but I still have feelings for him... and then there's Henry to think about... what should I do?

Rumple: If you marry him, it's never gonna last.

Emma: What makes you say that?

Rumple: I see the future, dearie.

Emma: But what-

Rumple: Sorry, dearie. Time's up. Come see me again when you get engaged to that pirate fellow.

Emma: I'm destined to get engaged with _Hook?_

Rumple: Oops. Did I say that out loud? Spoilers.

Scene 2

Rumple: Welcome to Rumpelstilskin's Marriage Counseling, yadda yadda yadda. What's your problem?

Snow: Well, it's not a problem really...

Charming: More of a concern...

Rumple: Oh yes, you're concerned about the safety of your child.

Snow: How did you-

Rumple: I see the future. I knew what you were going to say before you said it.

Charming: Well, is our child going to be safe?

Rumple: Do I look like an daycare to you? Children are none of my concern. I do marriage counseling, dearie, and your marriage is not the issue.

Snow: But wait-

Rumple: Next!

Scene 3

Rumple: Welcome to Rumpelstilskin's Marriage Counseling. May I take your order?

Wendy: Excuse me?

Rumple: Sorry, dearie. Twenty-first-century joke. You wouldn't understand.

Wendy: I suppose... what I really want to know is-

Rumple: You want to know who you're going to marry.

Wendy: Yes. But how did you-

Rumple: I've been over this with literally everyone who has been here. Surely you would have caught on by now. I see the future, remember?

Wendy: So do you know who I'll marry?

Rumple: Hmm. Not exactly. It's a toss-up.

Wendy: Whatever do you mean, a toss-up?

Rumple: A fifty-fifty chance between two fine young gentlemen.

Wendy: Who are they? Do I know them?

Rumple: You most certainly do know them, dearie. You're destined to marry either Peter Pan or Felix.

Wendy: That's... that's... not possible... you must be lying!

Rumple: Sorry, dearie. It is what it is.

Wendy: But I can't marry-

Rumple: Next!

Scene 4

Rumple: Welcome to-

Regina: Yes, I know. I read the sign outside the door before I walked in here.

Rumple: Ask away, dearie.

Regina: Will I marry Robin Hood?

Rumple: Actually... that one is debatable.

Regina: What do you mean, _debatable?_ I came here for answers!

Rumple: Think of it as... a Magic-8 Ball. You know, where you ask it a question and then shake it and your answers appears in the little window?

Regina: I'm well aware of what a Magic-8 Ball is, Gold.

Rumple: Well, sometimes the Magic-8 Ball says "yes" or "no", but most of the time it says "uncertain", "maybe", or "try again".

Regina: So you're telling me that your vision of the future is like a Magic-8 Ball, and it is currently telling you to try again?

Rumple: Actually, it's telling me "unlikely". However, I will try to remain an optimist for your sake.

Regina: I've had enough of this, Gold. I'm done.

Rumple: Good thing your time is up anyway. Next victim!

Thank You

For Visiting Rumpelstilskin's Marriage Counseling

Have A Spectacular Day

And Visit Us Again Soon

**A/N: According to my Magic-8 Ball, it is unlikely that you guys will review. Prove it wrong? Hope you enjoyed!**


	23. Operation Nail Polish

Day 1:

Regina: Henry, what are you doing with my nail polish?

Henry: Sorry, that's classified information.

Regina: Classified? What is that supposed to mean?

Henry: It means-

Regina: I know what classified means! What I meant was, why is that information classified?

Henry: That's also classified.

Day 2:

Regina: Henry, did you take my cell phone?

Henry: Would it make you feel better if I said no?

Regina: I need that phone back, Henry.

Henry: You have no proof that I am the one who took it!

Day 3:

Regina: Henry, have you seen my credit card?

Henry: Yes. I have seen it.

Regina: Where did you see it?

Henry: That's top-secret. I'm not allowed to tell you.

Day 4:

Regina: Henry, enough is enough! You have to return my things immediately!

Henry: What things? You'll have to be more specific.

Regina: The things you stole from me.

Henry: I do not steal.

Regina: Yes, you do, and it is unacceptable!

Henry: Excuse me while I contact my superiors for directions.

Regina: I am your superior!

Henry: No, you're not. My superior is Agent Mom.

Regina: Who is this so-called "Agent Mom"?

Henry: Sorry, that's classified.

Regina: Why are you taking my belongings?

Henry: Classified.

Regina: What isn't classified?

Henry: The color of the sky isn't classified.

Regina: Henry! We're not playing Green Glass Doors! What I meant is, what can you tell me about your newfound habit of thievery?

Henry: I'm on a top-secret mission to gather information.

Regina: Information on what?

Henry: Not what, who.

Regina: Well, who then?

Henry: ...

Regina: If you say that the information is classified you will be grounded for a month.

Henry: I'm gathering information on you.

Regina: On me? Why?

Henry: Operation Cobra.

Regina: Excuse me?

Henry: Sorry, the rest of it is-

Regina: Don't you dare say it.

Henry: Never mind. Bye!

_One hour later... _

Henry: We have to be careful, or she'll catch onto our plan.

Emma: You're right, kid.

Henry: Why did you make me steal her things anyway?

Emma: We stole her phone to go through her contacts and prank-call them, we stole her credit card to see what she has recently purchased and then go on a shopping spree, and we stole her nail polish because it's cool.

Henry: I get most of it. But we stole her nail polish because it's cool?

Emma: Yeah. It's like our signature Operation Cobra nail polish. We could start our own fashion line, make nail polish in twenty different colors!

Henry: Right after we break the curse.

Emma: Which we can't do without combat boots, jean jackets, and cool nail polish.

Henry: Whatever you say, Agent Mom.


	24. The Life of a True Oncer

_**The Life of a True Oncer**_

If these things apply to you, you know you're an true Oncer.

1. Your favorite jacket is red.

2. You drink hot chocolate with cinnamon for every meal.

3. Your favorite breakfast food is eggs in a basket.

4. Every morning at 7:15, you go to the local cafe.

5. Every clock in your house is stopped at 8:15.

6. Every night before you go to bed, you whisper "I Believe" out the window.

7. You have a book of fairy tales that you carry around everywhere.

8. You won't eat apples... red or green.

9. When you get into a car crash, you blame it on a wolf in the middle of the road.

10. Your wedding ring has a silver band and a green gemstone.

11. You name your dog "Pongo".

12. You have a strange fondness for chipped dishware.

13. Your favorite stuffed animal is a white rabbit.

14. When you have free time, you collect hats. Lots and lots of hats...

15. You have a knife with your name carved into the blade.

16. Whenever you see a snail in the street, you make a point not to step on it.

17. Whenever you sew or knit, you always- ALWAYS -use golden thread.

18. After a tornado, you run outside to look for abandoned babies.

19. Your favorite game is target practice.

20. You sprinkle sugar over your head in the hopes that it will start glowing and lead you to your true love.

21. You call random people "dearie".

22. You call your friends "mate".

23. If someone around you is upset, you pretend to offer them rum.

24. You refer to an annoying boy as a "real Prince Charming".

25. When someone calls you crazy for liking Once Upon a Time so much, you giggle and chant "you feed the madness and it feeds on you".

**A/N: I know this chapter was a bit nontraditional, but I hope you liked it anyway! Sorry for the long wait... I was very busy this past month... but now that I'm on summer break, I'll probably update every other day! I'm back!**


End file.
